


it is more than i thought could exist

by adelaidebabe (soulless_slut)



Series: trans alec collection [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (though alec pretends otherwise), Agender Character, Agender Magnus Bane, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Domestic, Jace and Simon Characters Mentioned in Passing, M/M, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Trans Alec Lightwood, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:17:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7904494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulless_slut/pseuds/adelaidebabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“‘So,’ Alec says one day, helping Magnus cook. ‘What’s your official title?’</p><p>Alec has his back to Magnus, chopping carrots, so he assumes he hears confusion in their voice. ‘The High Warlock of Brooklyn?’ It comes out like a question.”<br/>-<br/>aka: my agender Magnus headcanon with a heck of a lot more malec</p>
            </blockquote>





	it is more than i thought could exist

**Author's Note:**

> tags are impossible, unbeta'd and i'm posting this from mobile. i just really wanted to get the third part of this series up. title from angels by the xx. disclaimer: i'm so cis, my man, i'm sorry, and i'm sure alec is acting very CisTM, i'm sorry, friends.

Alec feels like shit.

He feels like a completely awful person. Selfish. Maybe he should add that word to his list.

He was so caught up with himself, with telling Magnus about himself, about talking to Izzy about—wait for it—himself, that of course Magnus didn’t feel like he could tell Alec.

(Even though Magnus told him multiple times that that wasn’t it.)

Fuck.

He’s already fucked up.

—

“What does that mean?”

Magnus pauses in consideration. “Alexander,” he begins, “I have been alive for longer than most people could even imagine. Gender is an abstract, social construction.” He pauses again. “I’ve lived too long to be…tied down by such things.”

Alec thinks he understands. Kind of.

Magnus takes his silence as confusion still. He says, “Agender means I have no gender, Alexander. Let’s use you as an example, shall we?” He waits, clearly waiting for Alec to give his consent before Magnus says anything. Alec nods. “Now, you’re transgender. You were born and people called you one thing, but you knew in your deepest of hearts that you were another. You’re a man. Now, apply that to what I’m telling, except instead of where you weren’t what they said and were the opposite, so to speak, you weren’t either.”

Alec’s brow comes together as he thinks.

“You’re born, and they call you one thing,” Magnus continues. “It’s alright, but it’s not exactly right. What the world considers now to be the opposite isn’t right either. What you feel—”

“Is on a completely different plane.”

Magnus smiles. “That’s one way to put it, Alexander.”

—

He’s sitting on his bed, thinking. He must look like he’s brooding because Izzy stops in his doorway and makes an exaggerated pouty face when she sees him. She walks into his room and sits down next to him on his bed, gracefully.

(Though everything she does somehow is graceful. He’s never been graceful; always lanky and too tall.)

“What’s on your mind, big brother?” she asks, looping her arm through his.

Alec shakes his head but says, “I’m a selfish, entitled dick.”

Izzy clicks her tongue. “When did you see Mom and Dad? I didn’t even know they were back again.”

He doesn’t know why, but that makes him want to laugh. He huffs and smiles, and tries to think of how he’s going to tell Izzy. Is it even his to tell? But how can he tell her what’s on his mind?

“Ah,” Izzy says before Alec can say anything. “Is this about Magnus?”

He hesitates. “Maybe,” he says. “How do you know about Magnus?”

Izzy smiles sympathetically. “They told me around the time you came out to them. They wanted advice.”

Alec knows she’s trying to make him feel better, but he just feels worse. Magnus went to his sister for advice because Alec is too self absorbed.

God, he sucks.

They sit in silence for a bit before Izzy says, “Get out of your head. The reason Magnus didn’t tell you at first wasn't because you’re an entitled dick. They didn’t tell you because they knew you were still going through some stuff.” She pauses. “Give yourself a break, Alec,” she says softly.

Instead of arguing with her over that (mostly because he knows he’d lose; Izzy is scary good at winning arguments even when she’s wrong), Alec decides to ask her another question.

“How long did it take you to get used to the pronouns?”

That was the other thing Magnus had told him. Pronouns. Magnus said he (they) didn’t mind—and was used to—traditionally masculine pronouns. But he preferred the gender neutral use of they and them. Alec feels more like an ass knowing it’s going to take him some time to get used to it, especially because he didn’t have to wait for the important people in his life—Izzy and Jace and Max—to use the right pronouns. And now he can’t give Magnus that same courtesy.

Izzy shrugs, slightly moving his arm because hers is still intertwined with his. “It doesn't take as long as you’re assuming,” she says. “Although a lot of my Seelie friends use similar pronouns, so I’ve had previous experience.” Izzy gasps as if hit suddenly with a great idea, a wide smile spreading slowly on her face.

Alec feels unease pooling in his stomach.

She lifts an eyebrow at him suggestively. “You need to make some new friends, big brother. It’s time. I let you be a boring Shadowhunter for too long.”

Screw the unease, Alec feels dread heavy and harsh in his gut.

—

He’s drunk.

He’s knocking on the door to Magnus’s apartment.

This is not a good combination.

Magnus answers the door, miraculously looking as fresh faced as always, and Alec has no idea how he (they) does it. It’s past midnight.

A bemused smile graces Magnus’s face as he (they) takes in Alec, who’s unable to stand upright on his own without leaning on the wall, with faerie dust on his clothes.

“Alexander,” Magnus says, grand as always. “Is everything alright?”

Alec nods and then can’t seem to stop nodding. “I’m really drunk,” he says, almost a mumble. “Izzy made me go out with her.”

The confusion clears from Magnus’s face. “That’ll do it,” they say. They usher Alec in, helping him when it’s clear just how much support Alec needs to stay upright.

He (they) leads him over to the couch and Alec all but collapses on it. He hums and passes a hand over his face, not knowing when he closed his eyes.

Because of his closed eyes, he feels instead of sees Magnus sit next to him. Magnus begins running his (their) hand through Alec’s hair, and Alec hums again.

“‘M really tired,” he says, eyes still closed, leaning into Magnus’s hand.

He hears Magnus laugh softly, and assumes he’s (they’re) smiling. He smiles back. “Would you like to come to bed with me, Alexander?” they ask, and all Alec has to do is nod.

—

Izzy gives him shit the next day about staying with Magnus, but he’s smiling too much to really be bothered.

—

“So,” Alec says one day, helping Magnus cook. “What’s your official title?”

Alec has his back to Magnus, chopping carrots, so he assumes he hears confusion in their voice. “The High Warlock of Brooklyn?” It comes out like a question.

Alec laughs. “No, I mean. With us. You’re not my boyfriend I guess, technically, and partner sounds old. What do I call you?” His tone is even and his voice is steady, sounding nonchalant, but Alec feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.

There’s silence and Alec curses at himself, and hopes that the silence isn’t Magnus figuring out how to breakup with him. But then Magnus says, “I’m not sure,” and his (their) voice is still pleasant so Alec lets himself feel relief.

And he continues: “Datemate sounds juvenile. I just wanted to know if you had any suggestions.”

He hears Magnus moving, unsure where they’re going until their arms are around his waist, giving it a squeeze. Then Magnus moves again so they’re beside Alec, stealing a carrot slice he just cut. He lightheartedly swats at them.

“Hmm,” Magnus hums. “What about better half?” They wink at Alec, laughing when he scowls.

Faux-angrily chopping carrots, Alec grumbles, “I can’t believe I’m dating my sister,” and wishes it sounded less weird, like it had in his head.

Magnus, who had gone back to whatever they were doing, only says, “Kinky.”

—

Whenever she doesn’t think he’s looking, Izzy sends Alec appraising, proud looks. He knows because he sees her do it. Every time.

—

Sometimes he catches Jace looking at him, proud as well.

He thinks that’s the most disconcerting.

—

Because it’s _Jace_.

—

Alec starts staying over at Magnus’s more, something he hadn’t meant to do and didn’t even realize he was doing until Izzy says something one morning.

(“Oh, wow, you were actually here last night? Color me surprised.”)

He just likes how it feels in his chest to fall asleep next to Magnus. How it feels to wake up next him (them), legs intertwined, bodies so close they’re nearly on top of each other, arms covering the other. How it feels to have Magnus be the last person he says goodnight to.

It makes his chest feel kind of hollow, but in a really good way. Pleasant.

—

“Goodnight, Alexander.”

—

Alec loves that Magnus calls him Alexander.

It’s probably one of his favorite things.

He had never fully appreciated how nice his full name sounds until it had come out of Magnus’s mouth.

(Which is a little ridiculous because he chose the name for himself. So of course he liked it. Izzy had just been the first to call him Alec and he liked that too, so it stuck.)

But Magnus calling him Alexander is heady. Because no one had told him (them) what Alec stood for. Back when Alec had introduced himself, he had said, “Alec.”

So Magnus calling him Alexander, this beautiful, grand name, so sure and assuming, it’s nice.

It’s more than nice.

It’s addictive.

Hearing Magnus say, “Alexander,” is the most beautiful thing Alec ever heard, and he never wants to stop hearing it. Never wants to stop hearing his name come from their mouth.

—

Just when he thinks he’s getting the hang of the pronouns, he messes up and feels like a dick.

It’s usually in his own head, though, which kind of makes it better. Because at least he’s not saying it to Magnus’s face.

In fact, in front of Magnus, Alec hasn’t slipped up much at all, save for right after Magnus first told him. He feels good about that.

But he doesn’t like failing and can’t help but feel like he is every time he messes up.

It shouldn’t be taking him this long.

—

Without actually stopping inside his room one night, Izzy just passes—waltzes—by his open door on her way to her room and says, “You’re not an entitled dick, relax.”

She barely even looked at him, how does she just know?

—

He debates bringing it up to Magnus, but he doesn’t know how they’d react.

Would they be upset? Appreciative that Alec is being open and honest? That’s what being in a relationship is about, right?

—

There’s time when he’s considering doing it, and during that time Magnus notices that something is bothering him.

They ask about it multiple times—“Are you alright, Alexander?”—but instead of voicing it, Alec just says, “Yes.”

—

He’s not sure how to even bring it up.

—

While sparring with Clary, he’s too distracted to notice that she’s kicking his ass until he’s literally on his ass and she’s laughing.

She starts crowing, “Are you not entertained?” and her vampire friend claps. Alec hadn’t even noticed he was watching.

He hates mundanes.

After, while he’s running a towel through his hair and most definitely not scowling, Clary comes up and hip checks him.

Alec scowls harder. Just because he told her he didn’t actually hate her, doesn’t mean they’re friends. More like, they’re in a tolerating relationship and spar when it feels like it  _won’t_ be a tolerating relationship anymore.

“So,” Clary starts, grabbing her water that she, of course, had placed next to his. “What’s up with you today?”

Alec shakes his head and grabs his water, too. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She scoffs. Or laughs. Both? “Right, yeah, and I always kick your ass when we practice.” She takes a sip and raises her eyebrows at him.

He sighs and stops unscrewing the top to his water. He doesn’t like being transparent. He accepted it when it was just Izzy because she’s his sister, but Clary? At least he _likes_ Izzy.

But he hasn’t really been able to talk to Izzy about this because, for once, he doesn’t really wanna tell her. She’s so much more knowledgeable than him about this, he doesn’t want her to know how much he’s lacking.

But Clary?

She still hasn’t stopped looking at him, her eyebrows still raised, occasionally sipping from her water.

He folds.

“It’s a personal problem,” he says, finally unscrewing his water. “A, uh, between Magnus and I.”

“You’re not breaking up, are you?”

“What? No.” He waves her off, feeling stupid. He knew he shouldn’t have tried to talk to her.

“Well,” Clary draws out. “What kind of personal?”

“Personal like it’s none of your business.”

“Woah.” She holds up her hands. “That’s fine.” She pauses, biting her lip as she thinks. “Is it communication?”

“How—”

Now _she_ waves him off. “Please, that’s like the number one issue between people. My advice? Just talk to him. I know it seems scary and leaves you feeling vulnerable, but you won’t regret it.”

He pours his water over her head.

Clary screeches and grabs at his towel that he gives up without much of a fight. As she’s rubbing the towel over her head—completely ruining her hair, Alec notices, but he’s not going to tell her—he smiles. Turns to leave, but then turns back.

“Clary. Thanks.”

Her exaggerated frown turns into the biggest smile.

—

Magnus kisses him.

The weird, hollow sensation in Alec’s chest happens, and he thinks that Clary might’ve been right.

—

He and Magnus are cuddling, Magnus’s arm around Alec’s shoulders, Alec’s face pressed into Magnus’s collarbone.

It’s so comfortable, so relaxing, that Alec doesn’t care that it feels like he’s the little spoon even though he’s taller and broader.

“I knew something was bothering you, Alexander.”

Alec sighs and says, “Yeah, apparently so did everyone else.”

Magnus gives a soft laugh and kisses the top of Alec’s head. Their arm around his shoulders tightens, and Alec closes his eyes, overwhelmed with some feeling that he isn’t sure of yet.

All he knows is that doesn’t want it to go away.

**Author's Note:**

> the feeling is ~LOVEEE.
> 
> alec pours water on clary because PSH they were almost acting like FRIENDS that can't happen. also i love my idea that even tho simon's a vampire, he still just comes to the institute to hang with them (and help clary annoy alec).
> 
> where does this happen in canon? bro i got no idea, but come talk to me on tumblr @ [fosterjensen](https://fosterjensen.tumblr.com) and maybe we can figure it out together.


End file.
